Grieving of a Yankees Fan

It’s been quite some time since my last post, and of course school is partially to blame for that. The big reason is because I’ve been mourning – mourning the end of the 2011 season. Every year you don’t win the World Series, it ends this way: losing. It happens more often than not, though the Yankees were lucky enough to come out on top more than any other franchise. If it occurs more than it does not, then why am I taking it so hard this season?

I’ve been contemplating this since October 6, and still I am empty handed.

As I’ve said throughout the entire 2011 season, nobody really expected the Yankees to win it all this season. There were too many question marks. And I remember trying to convince myself that I wouldn’t be too disappointed if they lost. I thought I had myself fooled.

I was wrong.

I think it hurts so much this year because my Yankees were the underdogs. People didn’t have high expectations, and the Yankees surprised them. This season was so magical, and I hoped the magic would continue and carry them to #28. It didn’t happen, and I still can’t believe that it is over. In that ALDS game 5, they came so close. I’d rather they had been blown out.

It’s tough knowing that baseball is going on without the Yankees in the mix of it. To me, the offseason starts when the Yankees are done. I know this postseason has been exciting, but it really doesn’t do anything for me.There’s no emotional attachment to any other teams, to any other players, so I don’t feel personally involved. Sure, I’m picking the Cardinals to win because they were my NL choice (I hoped for Yankees vs. Cardinals World Series) when they made it into the playoffs, but to think I’m going to sit down and watchthis Rangers vs. Cardinals World Series with enthusiasm? It’s just not going to happen.

Though it’s not easy, things are getting a little better with time. That loss is becoming farther and farther behind. Every once in awhile, I have a bad day, and the same questions and hypotheticals bombard my mind: “Why couldn’t Jesus Montero play?” “If only Jeter’s long fly in the 8thof game 5 went over the wall…”

If only…

I’m hoping that once the playoffs are over and the holidays are getting closer, I won’t be thinking as much about baseball and my grieving will be over. I’m just wondering how much is left. Here’s what I’ve been through so far:

1) Denial

Even though I knew that game 5 meant being on the brink of elimination, I never really thought the Yankees would lose. They were at home, they had rookie sensation Ivan Nova on the mound, and they were coming off an incredible victory that was courtesy of A.J. Burnett’s step-up performance. It just didn’t seem possible that it would end right there. I was thinking about the ALCS, and the fact that Jesus Montero would get playing time because the Rangers have so much left handed pitching, which he kills. Even when the Yankees were behind, Ithought they’d come back. Joe Girardi managed to keep the opposing offense off balance for most of the night by piecing together the innings with different pitchers, and I thought they were destined to win. When they were down in the 9th with Granderson, Cano, and Rodriguez due up, I was thinking about a walkoff pie. Thoughts of failing were quickly brushed away, and when it happened, I entered stage two.

2) Shock

Alex Rodriguez’s pathetic strikeout ended the season for my Yankees. All of a sudden, I was taken back to one year ago, where I was sitting downstairs with my brother while we were semi-watching Game 6 of the 2010 ALCS against the Rangers. A-Rod stood there looking as the called third strike sailed by, sending the stadium into a celebratory frenzy. I didn’t know how to react, so I threw my shoe at the TV and stormed upstairs. 2011 was a little different. After A-Rod struck out, I really didn’t know what to do. I stood there in disbelief and wondered if what I was seeing really happened, thinking, “There has to be another inning, right? It’s not over.”

It was.

I pleaded to myself, “NO! This isn’t right.” It began to sink in that the season was over, that the Yankees lost, and that I wouldn’t see them for a long time. My emotions then began to boil over.

3) Anger

Once I realized it was all real, I was livid. I tried to find something, someone to blame. The barrage of cursing made my brothers laugh a little, but I was in no mood for laughter. I thought of perhaps just going to bed, but I knew I was too pissed to sleep. I logged in to facebook, where I chatted with a friend who too was experiencing the same stage of the grieving process. Then the angry statuses emerged from myself and many Yankees fans. Mine was directed at A-Rod, and let’s just say it wasn’t very ladylike. But who can maintain their composure in a time like this?

4) Sorrow

This is by far the hardest stage to deal with, and the one that reemerges randomly. When I finally decided to go to bed after venting on facebook for a few hours, I cried a little. The fact that it was October and I wouldn’t be able to watch a real game until April was too much to bear. That’s a long time. Past the holidays, past winter, and well into my second semester. It seems that it will never come. I wore my Brett Gardner jersey to school the next day anyway, because he was one of the only guys who actually performed well in the postseason. Some kids scowled at me, saying, “Why are you wearing that today? They lost.” Obviously I didn’t need to be reminded. Randomly on that Friday I felt the tears well up. I went to the lounge where my friend, my fellow facebook venter, and I sat in remorse. I told him I had cried a bit, and then almost started to right there before I pulled myself together. He was just as devastated, and we talked about the “if onlys” of that fateful game 5. We were mad, but by this time the sorrow had definitely taken precedence. My friend rolled up his sleeve and rubbed his Yankees tattoo, and said, “Always and forever.”

5) Hopefulness

Although I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I did, it was helpful for me to know I was not mourning alone. Discussing sorrows with another who knows what you are feeling is a healthy way to keep moving forward. He was right: “Always and forever.” No matter what, we Yankees fans will remain fans. After a while, I began to think about what I thought all season: that if the Yankees didn’t make it, I wouldn’t be too disappointed, because it was a surprise that they even made it that far anyways. And my friend had a point that for some reason comforted me. He said that just because they lost didn’t mean they weren’t the best team. All throughout the season, the Yankees have lost a series here and a series there. They just so happened to lose when it counted most. They still put together an amazing season as AL East champs with the best record in the AL. How can you argue with that? Especially when the Phillies were knocked out when everyone thought they would win it all? He’s right. The postseason is a crapshoot. It didn’t go our way this time, but maybe next season it will.

I’d like to take this time to thank my boys:

Yankees, I know you have been eliminated for almost two weeks now, so hopefully you are getting over it as I am. I just want to thank you once again for an amazing season. It seems that with each new season, I feel even more excited and intense. Though time for blogging is scarce, I make sure to watch you every night. You guys are such a part of my routine and my life, that I don’t know what to do without you. That is why the offseason is so hard. I don’t want you to misunderstand: I’m not upset because you lost. I’m upset because it’s over and other baseball is still going on. The farther you guys go, the quicker I get to welcome you into my home again. I hate not seeing you more than anything. You guys are family to me since you are always in mylife. And as each season gets more intense for me, each offseason gets harder. I want you to know that I am extremely proud of what you have accomplished this season. You have exceeded my expectations and have blown my mind.

Congrats on yet another incredible season, Yanks. It didn’t end the way I wanted, but we’ve got a whole lot to smile over. The future is looking mighty bright, my boys.

I’ve got April 6th circled on my calendar.

Yankees, rest up, relax, but stay in shape. Enjoy the offseason and the holidays, and come back to me driven and ready to start the Chase for 28.

I know I’ll be ready.

5 Comments

The Yankees definitely performed above my expectations. I didn’t expect them to win 97 games with that rotation, but a job well done to the Yankees’ front office. http://thefakegm.mlblogs.com/

I hear that countdown calendar you have at the bottom and it’s so far away at this point. *sigh* Honestly, I think that thank you is the right place for you to end your reflection on your season (though I know we all can relate to your awesome list of stages!). The Yankees played very well, and better than any other team could have with the starting rotation in flux. I’m sure your guys will make the right moves to fix that in the next few months and be giving all of the rest of our teams the usual headaches come April. :)
– Kristen

As a fellow baseball fan, i feel your pain. But the Yankees are the Yankees and every year they are capable of winning the World Series. Either way, you can bet they’ll be in the mix for the post season.

http://bluejaysnest.mlblogs.com/

okay .. . I admit I’m a REd Sox fan :P . . .a die hard fan
But do you agree with me that the Yankees were tring to loose when they were against the Rays in the plaoffs.
That is just terrible sportsmanship

I don’t think they were trying to lose. The Yankees were doing what they had done since they had clinched, and even what they did in 2010. They were more concerned with resting players than with using players to win. Perhaps they took things even easier against the Rays, but we’ll never know. All I know is that Joe Girardi is a firm believer in resting players. In 2010 he did that, and the Yankees wound up losing the division and only winning the Wild Card. I don’t think they were trying to lose back then either, they just saw no need to push it.

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