Josh Beckett Must Die
Yanks Have Last Laugh in Game 1 Win
Josh Beckett is the biggest baby I have ever seen. God I just hate him so much. Everything about him annoys me, but after last night, I developed a pure, passionate hatred for the guy. No one hurts my babies like that. No one. He is a heartless, horrible, not to mention UGLY excuse of a pitcher. He thinks he’s all that….tossing 95 mph fastballs and the precious Yankee bodies as if they were nothing…as if their bodies were as grotesque as HIS…
…I almost threw up at this…eeew
Okay, okay that’s not really fair…he doesn’t look like that.
….Okay I did throw up this time…..
Yeah, so Beckett thinks he’s funny….he thinks he’s hot….he thinks he’s a good pitcher. LOLZ. Well, despite everything he did last night, it was my Yankees who came out on top in blowout-style. The good guys won 10-3.
Pitching Analysis: Phil Hughes is a beast. Is he human? I’m really not sure…Last night, Hughes pitched 7 innings, allowing 2 measly runs to the Smelly Sox. Ha. I guess he didn’t have to hit the Red Sox to get even…he just shut ‘em out. I wish he didn’t have that innings limit this year. I mean, how could the Yankees skip him? Or limit him? I think they should let him be free. Let him grow. Besides, it’s not like his innings are stressful anyway. In 32 innings this season, Hughes has given up just 17 hits. Those are some pretty sexy numbers
Offensive Analysis: The offense had an explosion last night, but I wasn’t happy about all of it to say the least. Nick Swisher’s monster 3-run homer in the 4th sent baby-Beckett into a little hissy fit. The 6th inning was especially messy.
Let me see if I can list all the heartless moves Beckett made last night.
-He hit Robbie Cano in the kneecap in the 6th, which knocked him out of the game. After the pitch that hit Robbie was thrown back to the mound, Beckett caught it and smiled. This sent me into my continuous, “Oh no!!!!!” shrieks.
-He threw inside at Nick Swisher; it looked like it would have neutered him if it hit him…it was near that area. Swisher jack-knived out of the way, and Beckett was angry at that. He probably tried hitting him for revenge after the homer. This sent me into my throw-the-shoe-at-the-TV-and-aim-for-Beckett’s-worthless-balls-to-try-and-neuter-him-myself-mode.
-He threw at my Cervelli’s (♥) head TWICE in that game. Once in the 4th after he stepped out of the batter’s box, and once in the 6th with a full count. This sent me into a cursing rampage. I was boiling…on the verge of boiling over. I don’t know how I contained myself.
-He hit my captain, Derek Jeter, square in the back right on his #2. Jeet span around in pain, the poor thing. This one made me boil over: I went into an unbridled rage. I took off my other shoe, and Phil Hughes style, I threw it 95 mph at the TV. I picked up my blog notebook and violently smashed it against the arm of the couch, losing my pen in the process. Screaming, cursing Beckett throughout the whole explosion, I then made fists – fists so hard I still have nail imprints in my hands. I wanted to punch him, but that was impossible. The TV had endured enough carnage already from my shoes, so instead I punched myself in the thighs repeatedly.
Hearing the whole ordeal, my Mom ran in and stopped me. I don’t think she cared about me punching myself, because all she said was, “I NEVER SAY WORDS LIKE THAT…STOP IT!!!!! STOP IT! BEFORE DADDY HEARS YOU!” Too late. My Dad was already there, giving me that same old lecture about how my mother never said a curse before and I’m disgracing the family by not acting like the lady my mother is. Disregarding everything he said, I yelped, “HE’S HITTING EVERYONE!…CANO, JETER, HE SCARED CERVELLI AND SWISHER…..RRRRRRRRR I HATE THAT GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I almost started to cry here. Images of hurt Yankees kept flashing through my mind. Seeing them in pain pained me too much. I wish I could have taken the hits for them. I really do.
Eventually, I calmed down and felt a little better. I was then happy that the Yankees kept scoring and scoring and scoring. By the end of the that 6th inning, they had a 9-1 lead. My emotions were crazy. I was sadistic to Beckett, mournful for my Yanks, and overjoyed with the offense. Weirdest PMS ever…
I was a little annoyed that the Yankees didn’t retaliate last night. I mean, they were all angry. Jorge looked like he was ready to charge the mound. CC looked dangerous. A-Rod was spewing expletives all over the place about Beckett. So why didn’t they get even?
Now now…I know what some of you are thinking “He didn’t do it on purpose. They were accidents.”
That is quite an ignorant remark. Here’s how it went down: Beckett was cruising along, striking guys out, chewing his gum in that annoying way he does. Then Nick Swisher got smart, and took advantage of the hanging curveball and planted it into the centerfield stands. Beckett was mad. Then in the 6th, he got into more trouble. His team’s offense wasn’t doing much, and he could tell his stuff on the mound was not as good as it was in the first half of the game. He decided, since he knew he was going to stink anyway, to make things “fun” for himself. “Fun” for the ruthless barbarian means killing Yankees. He intentionally tried to take out the Yankees. That’s why he was annoyed when Swisher moved out of the way. He figured, “Hey. I’m starting to lose my command. I’m going to stink and have to come out anyway, so I’ll hit the Yankees. Even with bases loaded. Pshh…I don’t care. Cuz I’m Josh Beckett and I’m a big baby.”
I believe it. I believe he would do that. After all, he plays for the Red Sox. Unlike the Yankees, the Red Sox don’t get the classier guys for their team. They get disgraceful, heartless people like Beckett.
Yankees, I’m sorry about last night. But I’m glad you won. You poor guys…all bruised up like that…mmmm….that’s kinda sexy…..but it makes me feel just awful. You guys need some TLC. I’ll make your boo-boos better ♥
Go out there today and have no mercy. Make me proud, boys.
I love you guys ♥